Caroline Bass

Caroline’s Testimony

My personal testimony doesn’t involve drugs, alcohol or a physical prison cell; but it does tell of a spiritual prison that I held myself in. Just as an addict, my drug of choice was a tormentor called “Fear“. Daily, my heart was clothed with it and it became my false security blanket.  I taught myself how to disguise it by laughing on the outside while crying and dying within. 

Coming from a family of 15, one would think I could never feel alone; but yet I did.  I didn’t ever feel like I belonged; always being with a crowd but never feeling a part of the crowd.  The rule or code in our family was “Silence is Golden.“  You were to only be seen and not heard.  The skills of communication were never taught and throughout the years this caused me to pay a heavy price, especially in close, intimate relationships.  Any conversations with my parents were mostly one-sided.  I was always afraid to breech the silence in fear of verbal lashings and being blacklisted by my mother.  And crying was never an option, because if I did I would hear the words, “Dry it up or I’ll give you something to cry about.”  And after those words were spoken came the look, what I like to refer to as, “The Evil Eye.”   When I saw that look, I had come to believe that something worse would happen if I allowed myself to feel emotion.  I had learned the art to my survival, shut down, conserve and protect my heart at all cost.  I had succumbed to merely existing.  I never realized I wouldn’t be able to live my whole life this way without some type of consequence.  What I thought was saving my life was slowly killing me from the inside out.

There were many tramatic events that molded my life such as:  the lack of parental bonding; having a mentally unstable parent; feeling abandonment as the sisters that cared for me left the house; being molested at a young age having my innocence stolen and replaced with intense fear.  And that fear kept it all a secret. The list could go on and on.  I began living a cycle of insanity.  It left me in a state of complete emotional detachment which resulted in my giving up four children for adoption.  My mind and heart was bombarded with loss and I didn’t know how to cope.  I was unable to make good choices or decisions for myself.  Needless to say, fear paralyzed me and silence bound me as years of desperation passed me by. I always thought everyone could hear the incredibly loud “SILENT SCREAM” going off in my head and heart. But, no one ever answered it, they all just passed me by.

For 34 years, I walked this path we call life without ever experiencing “the life” part of it.  Then one glorious day, I had my “Aha Moment.”  I finally realized the way I was living wasn’t working for me.  Something in my heart just knew there must be more.  That’s when the voice I heard as a child, bid me to come. I had exhausted all other options, I finally was in a place where I could recognize God’s voice and most importantly listen to it.  He didn’t beat me up or condemn me.  He met me in all my brokeness.  I was shown that my past does not define who I am; nor would it cause God not to have a plan for my life. I’ve found it to be the opposite; God’s compassion was great.  I see that His Son Jesus was the One that heard my silent scream. He had experienced my broken and lonely heart as He hung upon the Cross for my sins. His very words spoke my silent scream, “My God, My God why have You forsaken Me?”  His outstretched arms and nail-driven hands said it all, “I’m willing to do this just for you, this is how much I love you,”  His sacrifice spoke for my silence – Thank you Lord Jesus!  He traded His life for mine, just so that I could feel a rebirth in the fullness of His life.  And what a glorious experience that has been and continues to be.  I now willingly allow God to use what was meant for evil (my past) and turn it around for good.

I stand today looking back over the years and see God’s hand of mercy and grace. My prayer is that I may pass on this same message, my outstretched arms to those imprisoned whether in a physical prison cell or a spiritual prison cell, may they hear God’s message, “This is how much I love you!”